Get Distance and Assess

Breakups can be a time when there is extreme emotional distress and when emotions are running high; there can be a great deal at stake and a lot of conflicting information. It is important to be kind to yourself, to rely on your support networks, and also to take a step back from your relationship.

Not only is it good to get a little distance from your partner, however brief, so that you can evaluate the relationship but also to check in with yourself and properly assess what you need right now. This can give you the space to run through a bit of a checklist as far as the breakup is concerned and check that you are properly addressing the issues at hand and also getting the closure you need if you intend to move on with your life and find new happiness with a different partner/s.

Post-Breakup Talk Checklist

Key Questions:

If you would prefer not to end it, have you exhausted all efforts to resolve it?
Is there anything left unspoken between you that you believe could enable closure if you voiced it to your partner?
Have you got a clear way forward and next steps?

Questions For Closure With Them:

Do you understand their point of view and perspectives regarding your relationship?
Do you understand what drove you apart, and do you both agree on what drove you apart?
Are there any outstanding apologies you need to make to your partner?
Are there any outstanding issues with your partner for which you are yet to get an apology?

Questions For Closure With Yourself:

Is there anything that you have been able to recognise post-relationship that you didn’t recognise during the relationship?
Are there any noticeable changes within you since the start of the relationships? How are you going to mediate those changes for your relationship with yourself but also with those around you such as your family and friends?
Are there any discernible traumas or difficulties you incurred over the course of your relationship? What are they? How are you going to work on them to minimise their impact on you and you ability to engage in future relationships?
Has this time in the relationship habituated you to being in a relationship? How are you going to support yourself with this change in your life? What support networks and habits are you going to rely on or develop in order to ensure your growth and development in this period?
Has this time in the relationship exposed you as enjoying single life more than being in a relationship? How are you going to govern yourself during this time?

Practical Questions:

If one or both of you are undecided about the breakup, when is the breakup official? Are you already broken up or are there parts yet to finalise? Does your partner agree with your view?
If you live together, who is going to move out and when?
Have you discussed and agreed on each other’s communication expectations? What form or method will you use to communicate? Are there any restrictions on the topics you can talk about? Would you like to do a no-contact period?
If you have children together:
- Have you discussed how you will have conversations relating to the children?
- Have you discussed and agreed on how childcare will be managed in the short and long-term?
- If you are attempting dual custody, have you discussed and agreed on how you will share time with your children?
- If one of you will be the primary caregiver, have you discussed and agreed on the expectations for how frequently the secondary caregiver will see your children and where the visits will take place? The property where the children primarily reside, the secondary caregiver’s property, or another place?
- Have you discussed and agreed on what is expected when you talk about the other in general with your children?
- Have you discussed and agreed on an age-appropriate and comprehensible explanation about the situation between the two of you and how things will continue to be between the two of you should your children ask?
- Have you discussed and agreed on how you will approach bringing new partners into the picture with your children? For instance, would you both like to meet the partner before the children?
If you have shared pets, have you discussed and agreed where the pet/s will reside and who will take on the financial burden?
Have you discussed and agreed on how you will split assets?
Have you discussed and agreed on how you will return assets to one another?
Have you discussed and agreed on expectations regarding engagement with each other’s family?
Have you discussed and agreed on expectations regarding engagement with each other’s friends and shared friends?
Have you discussed and agreed upon social media expectations? Will you ‘unfriend’ or ‘unfollow’ each other, even if for a short initial period?

Next Steps

From the checklist above, if you notice key things that you would still like to discuss, then arrange a time with your partner to talk these through.

If further conversations with your partner are not possible for whatever reason, then consider writing your answers down or pretend you are writing a letter to your partner in which you address what you still need to address with them; this can help with closure and may also help to formulate more precisely how you feel to assist with processing the situation.

Was that breakup talk enough?